Numb

Insanity seems to go with time.

At first I really felt that she was driving me insane. Well, it has been almost four months. I am still surviving. Hurray. The worst is definitely over. Although my heart don’t feel as much as before, my mind kept replaying on what had happened.  I still cannot accept what she did. She was my close friend. I still do not understand why she choose to let that kind of person in her life and chooses to like that kind of person.

I loved her so much. I put her first. I thought of her every time. And yet, i guess friendships are just not as important as relationships. She saw me suffer so much because I loved her, I was so jealous of the person she let into her life. The person does not have self respect and manners.

The biggest mistake I did was to value what she said so highly. Well, this incident really made me realised that no matter what people said, when things happened, what they said might not even hold. I always thought our friendship was that strong. Yes she claimed that she put fs first, and she did show me in the beginning that fs comes first. But what I realised was, even when I distanced myself, she did not ‘chase’ me back.

She thought that she don’t know what to do to satisfy me anymore. Likewise, I had the same thinking, I do not know what to do to satisfy her anymore. When I cared so much, she said she had her life with other friends that her life don’t revolve around me. When I stepped back so much, it’s like she wasn’t satisfied with what I did.

I had to distance myself cause she being with that kinda person caused me so much pain. She was the focus of my life, actually. I hadn’t realise it until this whole shitty incident happened. Then I realised that she had already made up her mind to be with that person. No matter what I said wouldn’t matter. I didn’t want to lash out at her and wanted to keep everything in my heart. It was eating me up. Until one day, we had an arguement and I told her that I have been distancing myself from her and the reasons why. I knew she wouldn’t really listen to what I said. But I said it anyway cause it was in my heart for too long.

I just felt that I gave too much, invest in this fs too much that was causing me so much pain when I see her with the person. Knowing her for ten odd years, or maybe I haven’t actually know her at all. It just seemed to me that she gave up her values and principles to be with that kinda person. I have always always value her highly. And she is always about values and principles. I probably was terribly wrong.

The thought of them together just grossed me out and I had this antipathy feeling towards them. I don’t know. I just don’t want to be so close to her anymore. I don’t want my life to be intertwined with her and then with that person.

She made her choice. Her actions and decisions, changed me. I invest lesser in the fs, I don’t text everyday, and I can’t be as open to her as before. Something inside me just couldn’t. Although sometimes I thought about her and love her and would want to go back to old times. I can give in to many things, but I can’t give in to this this time.

I choose not to know about her life, particularly her life with that person. It had ripped me apart many times. I do not want to know and I am not interested to know. I do not know if our fs would be as close as last time. I do not know when this would end. Sometimes I do feel like I am stuck. I want to go away so much to other places. I fell so many times, and I got up again and again. Sometimes this incident still eat me up though. The thought of them being close or the sight of them, just made me so certain that me staying away was the correct decision and what I needed for myself.

I was so disappointed with what she did. I had too many expectations on this friendship. I want her attention, love, time a lot. But she didn’t give as much of it to me as before, now that she had that person. Of course, it had saddened me a lot. But I am just kind of getting used to people putting their other halves first. I do wish that we can be back to last time. When we both text each other and express love for each other so much. But this all are just my one sided thinking. The moment that I have decided for myself that I would not let her into my life so much was also the moment that I don’t expect her to let me into her life so much. Distancing myself, closing up seemed like a solution for me not to have any expectations of her and to let her live her life as she chooses.

She said that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most. Wasn’t I there for ten odd years. And yeah she conveniently discount me and give credit to the person. Since she likes that person so much, then let time tell if that person is gonna stay in her life for ten odd years. Seeing them just puts me off so much that I rather see neither.

I have always wanted to  be there for her even when I could’t. I still hoped that her friends did. I did so many things out of love for her because she was my closest friend. These few months made me realised that I can do without her. I once thought that I needed her in my life so much that I cannot live without her when she goes overseas. Not sure if that is gonna happen anymore, or she is gonna stay because of the person. Anyways, whether she stays or not, I would just feel neutral. I don’t feel as much as before wanting to stay and not go overseas.

At times, I just don’t know how and why I got so attached to her. Even knowing that attachment would kill me once something happened. I really learnt the lesson hard, deep and good. I promised myself that I will not rely on someone so much and made someone my whole world, not now and not later. I will not put myself in such a vulnerable position. I want to take charge of my life again.

Everyday I woke up, I have never stopped thinking about what had happened. It is as if that my mind is obsessed with the same thoughts again and again, knowing that things are like that and could not be changed.

In another half a year’s time, when I finally have my job which I like, I would have less time to think about this issue. And this would’t matter in a year’s time. I got to live for myself, depend on myself as much as possible. It’s hard that I am not so close to her anymore. I just feel that I am a burden to her when I go out with her. I can’t even be open and have a hearty chat or have a hearty laugh. I can’t be fully myself anymore. Sometimes I do wished that I am dead, like a walking zombie. Or just disappear from this world without a trace. I loved too much, cared too much, in the end, I am always the one who got hurt.

Probably our fs wasn’t as firm as I thought it was. I don’t know what to expect anymore. I don’t know how to behave and act anymore. I most certainly do not have so much to share with her anymore.

Perhaps this is what I have to go through in order to learn what I really had to learn and keep all the lessons in mind.

Change is hard. But what’s harder? Not changing. It took me awhile to change from a cheerful, open person, to a close-hearted person. In my heart and the back of my mind, I just felt like I had to do this so that I had a safety net to fall on, to not be vulnerable anymore, to just have my own back.

I never regret loving her. I just regret that I open up myself so much and got hurt in the end. I don’t regret that I changed myself, my behaviour. It was what I needed to do, at least for myself for now.

At times, I was at my wits’ end. I desperately needed help to get out of this situation and my thoughts. I was depressed that I didn’t know that I was until a couple of my friends told me about it. I was studying for my exams and couldn’t focus most of the time but I did try so hard to study and focus so that I would achieve my goal and not let myself down.