Friendships

I got upset again by friendships. Having learnt so much, why am I still back to this circle of suffering. Why do I still set myself up for disappointment and hurt. Always riding on roller coaster of emotions.

It seems like I am the only one compared to many of my friends, who is always so upset at what friends did do or did not do. Expectations. I didn’t know that I still have it for certain things for some friends. I actually expected my very close friend (N) to tell me everything because I know I would do that.

Likewise, like what she said, she wouldn’t expect me to do the things that she wouldn’t do or say to me. However, expectations from different people are different. I may be willing to do or say certain things but not her, vice versa.

One close friend by one close friend, I have adjusted myself a lot. The change of mindset and attitude, the shift of perspectives. Somehow heartaches never seem to end.

These few years, epiphanies finally hit. The wake up call. Everything. I realised so much.

Watching fifty shades darker had lead to realisation for me as well. She always say whatever I asked she would say, so naturally I assumed anything under the sun, even the intimate things she would share. I was so wrong. I didn’t know before this. Because I know I would share with her. I thought she would too.

Asked her a number of times on it, but she didn’t say it. I brought this thing up like three times cause I was really affected by it which I don’t know why. Why am I so emotional and get affected by the slightest thing. I don’t know why am I affected by this. I cried 4 times in 3 days about this. She didnt want to say about it even when I was upset and brought it up three times. So I said forget it. She don’t have to tell me. A few times she wanted to say something and explain, and I was firmed and said really, don’t have to tell me. And I meant every single word I said. I have never meant things so much when I said it. But yesterday when I said it, I meant it every word. I would not ask about her intimate life ever. And I told her don’t expect me to share it cause I won’t.

Hai, I didn’t wanna tear yesterday in front of her but the tears just rolled. When I was mentioning to her about my another close friend (S) but not that close friend: about S really listening to what I said and that was the time I realised that was what respect really was when she told me she just got attached. I felt that she heard what I said, and she knows that I mind certain things when she don’t share it with me.

I wasn’t that affected when she told me she was attached. If this was one year ago, I would be affected but now nope . One thing was I have already adjusted my mindset and expectations to S, and our friendship started quite late. So I wasn’t that overly attached to her. That was why I was kind of okay when she announced. Tbh, she is a good friend. She is always there when I needed her for the past many years.

N also is a very good friend really. She was really a great friend that anyone would ever asked for. I know that I am really blessed that I have her in my life. If I have to compare what all my very close friends would do for me, I know deep down that N will be the one who will always be there and go out of her way no matter what. Other close friends are not as much. Others showed me that how detached they can get even in a very close fs, which is good now after I have learnt. I prolly need to learn this and get over it again and over so that I can get the lessons fully. So that I will not be like that in a rs.

Moreover, I honestly don’t have that much expectations of S compared to N. So many times when I was upset with S about things, I got okay faster afterwards.

I know one day I would need to manage myself because I am too attached to her already. Didn’t know this day would come by now. But I am kind of glad it did cause this event made me realised a lot of things, and open mind to many things that I previously cannot understand.

I now know why most people are closer to their bf gf than their close friends because of the prospect of future and living together. So much compromise have to be made and much effort have to make for the bgr. Or rather, the prospect of husband and wife and having sex together, doing intimate things. What are friends, really? People around me don’t really care and put in much effort in fs. On the other hand, I am always the fool to do so and always affected by it.

It has been more than six years struggling and dealing with it. Why can’t I just not be affected by anyone.

Now I can really see the bigger picture and how people are in the fs with me. I haven’t been able to realised this until last year. Quite late though. But I am still glad that I did. The other three once close fs, now isn’t that close. One of them I have already called off the fs despite being friends for 8 years. The other two, despite saying so many times my needs and wants, I realised last time that they don’t care about me that much. Now I realised that they haven’t actually listen to what I say, they only hear what I said. So I wasn’t in a way being respected. Nowadays I am just constantly managing myself that I kept telling myself, just meet them whenever they want to meet me, and do not care about their lives, do not text or ask about their lives. If you care enough, then ask, and I will meet up with you and talk. Otherwise,  I will make sure they won’t hear from me for the longest time.

For me, I function by equality of fs: information symmetry, frequent meetups. Once in a month is fine or just update and chat in WA about our lives. I don’t think that is actually too much to ask for.

A few friends that I genuinely cared and overcared about, disappoint me so much. That was when I realised I expected too much from them that they can’t even give me what I wanted and fulfill the basic needs of fs. They really bring me to the point I have absolutely no choice but to totally give up and not do anything. Since they can be so nonchalant then I will not participate in your life.

In a mist of changing my mindset, I did try focusing on myself. What do I really want from my life, other than the fs part. It makes absolutely not sense to fret about fs like this cause I have been bothered by it for so many years.

It’s okay ba, since N will be leaving sg soon. It is really high time to manage myself and detach myself from this fs. Prolly this was meant to happen that I get to know that some buttons that cannot be pushed no matter how much I am affected by it. She don’t say means she don’t. I don’t really like to invade people’s privacy. But this was the point I really realised that some boundaries really cant be crossed. No matter how upset that I am, she don’t wanna say it means she don’t. This is also called respect for fs and privacy. And that I am willing to completely strip myself bare to a fs doesn’t mean she would.

Everyday I have to manage myself if not I would have gone nuts by now. I realised that really, noone can save me but myself. If I don’t bring myself to a sane place, I will just be insane literally.

My heartfelt words are lyrics from https://listenonrepeat.com/?v=-YCqXb2VsCI#I_don_t_wanna_live_forever.