I am a slave to what people do, in particular my emotions. By that I meant I was a very emotional person. I let what people do affect me, especially my close friends. I have known this for a very long time. I know that I should not let the actions of my friends affect me. ‘Close friends’, my definitions for it are friendships to be equal, to spend quality time together, talk to each other often in text so that I know what happens in their life etc.
The reason why I was in misery and disappointment and irritated most of the times was because I have expectations of my friends. Some of my friends are not at all like me, which was why when I explained to them umpteen times about who I am and how friendship should be like based on my opinions, wanting them to understand. But they did not, they did not change a bit for me, which lead to me be in misery when I saw them going out together without me or when they went out with their friends but not with me. My friends who are not like me when it comes to friendship matters, they can just live their life without asking/knowing how other people are. They can just do what they want. I am not saying they are bad people. It is just that I focused way too much on my friends but they are focusing on themselves. One of them has the mindset of I don’t need to explain myself to others. And yeah that’s how it is. And I am the sort who wants to know what happens in my friend’s life now and then but she’s not. That was when I decided to let her be her, and stop talking about how I felt, because it is going to be useless. Another one is just yeah I care about my own life, unless you ask me, I don’t give a damn about your life. It is just how they work, very different from me when it comes to friendships. Which is why they are okay with other friend being with her boyfriend most of the time and not going out together. Put it simply, they are not as emotional as I am. I sometimes wish that I could be like them, not invest too much emotions, empathy, and over care. (Also, I foresee when they have their boyfriends, they are gonna be investing a lot more energy and emotions on their other half. In the beginning I really cannot get why people can invest so much in love but not friendship when friendships is gonna be there longer than love when love did not work out. But now realisation hits and I know why.)
I, too, know that it is hard for one to change unless one change for the sake of herself/himself. I tried so many years to explain so that maybe I could get them to spend quality time with me. Efforts was futile, cause people are who they are, they don’t change for you just because you want them to.
Also, I realised, I should accept and let them be them, without imposing my expectations on them. No expectations, no disappointments. That’s when I put boundaries in place, even for my close friends, whom I never thought I would have to. Putting boundaries in place helps me not to over care, not to over invest my emotions in friendship, and to regulate my emotions and myself. I am glad that I finally placed my boundaries. And, I don’t expect them to be like me. I distanced myself, not sharing a lot about myself to them anymore. This was what I needed to do, so that I don’t invest too much of my feelings on them.
Also, I realised every friendship is different. One friendship may give you what you need and have same expectations about friendships, another friendship just do not. As much as I want to my close friendships to be equal, I can’t. I did once, for a long time, make it equal by telling one friend what I said to every other close friends. I have since stopped doing it when I have my boundaries in place.
Putting boundaries isn’t in any way selfish. It is more of self love. So that one would not get too invested, too jealous, too clingy, too this too that. So that friendship can be a healthy friendship.
I constantly remind myself to not over care, to not over invest. Although it is not easy in the beginning, it’s all for my own good in the long run. And I can say now that I am not so emotional compared to last time. There is a saying which goes: ”The ones that are heartless, once cared too much.”
I’m glad to say that now I have more peace than I ever had.
Happinessbuckett 